Splinters
by Digidiana
Summary: Li deals with the recurring themes in his life, and his fate. Fairly dark fic.


A/N: I wrote this story because I wanted to do something other than a S+S fic, not that I don't love them, but variety is good too.   
This story is kind of AU, but stays fairly on track. It's rather dark, and focuses on Li. (He's such a bishie) Reviews are very welcome, and go ahead and flame me if you like, it'll just inspire me to write more.   
Anything between ****---**** is a flashback, but it's pretty obvious.   
  
Disclaimer: I. Own. Nothing. Suing me will earn you $3.75 and my collection of business cards.   
  
Note on Names: I use the dub names (sa-KOO-ra!), mainly 'cause some people still get confused over the difference. Most CCS fans know all the dub names, but CC fans sometimes don't know the Japanese names.  
  
  
  
  
Li sat propped up in the middle of his living room, his legs folded neatly beneath him. His face was calm, betraying none of the emotions boiling turbulently beneath the surface. The house was quiet and still, nothing moved, not even a stir of air. He stared forward blindly, his eyes looking past the chaotic disarray ruining the supposed serenity of his home. He wasn't sure how the room got trashed, or why, but he was pretty certain the destruction wasn't limited to only one room.  
  
He just sat , hardly moving, trying to do nothing, -think- nothing. Thoughts always managed to intrude upon the stillness however, impossible to stop. He'd been sitting in the same spot for a long time now, he realized dimly, the sun had risen, staining the eastern sky a blushing pink. 'Pink was Sakura's favourite colour....' he recalled, though the idea was distant, disconnected. He wasn't ready. Not to think about her, not yet....Thoughts of Sakura still stung deeply, like splinters in his mind.   
  
slice.  
  
***  
  
Li's childhood had been anything but normal. While other boys his age had been playing, having fun, Li was studying. He knew some people hadn't ever liked him because of his serious nature, but it was all a part of how he'd been raised. Books and teachers had been his only childhood companions, any thoughts of having real friends, friends his own age, had been quickly dashed away by his mother. Li had a big responsibility, he needed a lot of training and knowledge for what he had to do, there was no time for foolishness like playing, his mother had constantly reminded him. Sometimes he almost wished he resented her, or hated her, for so efficiently destroying that part of his youth, but she was his mother and he loved her.   
  
When Meilin came and trained with him, it was odd. He wanted to be her friend, or at least talk to her, have fun, but he realized he didn't know how. He didn't understand how to make friends. Meilin liked him he was sure of that, it was fairly obvious, but how he was supposed to behave to her eluded him. He settled for ignoring her instead, it was easier, something he could do, though Meilin did her best to make it hard for him. After awhile, things settled down, but Li still had a lot of work to do, there was never any time for a break. It was a very big responsibility, his mother told him often, he was very important so he had to keep learning, there just wasn't time to waste on a break.   
  
The day the cards were released Li remembered fairly clearly. His mother had come to him, to check on his studies, or so he had thought. She stood over him, looking down on him carefully, seeming to weigh him with her eyes. "Something has happened, Li" she said softly, still watching him closely, looking for a reaction. He'd long since learned to guard his emotions, not to let anyone see anything of what he was thinking or feeling. His mother waited for a reply, but he'd said nothing, just stared back at her. "You have to go away Li." That had thrown him. He'd never really been away, except when his mother took him on day trips. Other than that he was always home, always working. He looked at his mother, the question in his eyes.  
  
His mother had sat down, bringing her chair close to his so that they were face to face. "The Clow Cards were released, they must be recaptured. This is very important, Li, a very big responsibility." He hated that word, responsibility, it was the cause of every dissatisfaction in his life. That word had taken away the hopeful shreds of a normal childhood he'd wanted so badly. But of course, he couldn't run from this, it was his responsibility after all, it was what he was meant to do. He wasn't certain of what Fate really meant, but perhaps this was it, his purpose. His Mother always said he had a purpose, a special fate. Until now all he'd had were responsibilities.  
  
There was a day, it had felt at the time like so long ago, very dim and hard to recall. He must've been very young, but he still remembered it. The first day he'd heard that word. A child, another boy his own age, had come to their gate. It was odd, no one really came to their house, it was very solitary. The boy had looked in and called to Li, asking him to come out. Curiously, he walked over to the gate and reached for the latch. Hands grabbed him from behind, his mother, and passed him off to one of his sisters, who began to lead him away, but over his should he could still hear his mother. "Li can't come out and play, he has too many responsibilities." Then she turned and followed them, leaving the boy at the gate just standing there. The boy must've been lonely, not many people lived in the area, not kids at least. Li felt lonely too, but what his mother said had intrigued him, that word had sounded so important, it meant something special, he'd been sure of that. Only after several years had he learned how terrible that particular word was, especially the almost vicious way his mother used it. Responsibility.  
  
And so, Li was sent away. Alone. To search for the Clow Cards. Alone. That was another hateful word, alone, but he and alone had become comfortable together, long time companions. He knew how to be alone, he hated it anyway, but he was okay with it.  
  
****  
  
slice.  
  
****  
  
Japan had been a very difficult place for him. He was fine with his purpose, with his search, but there was so much more to life than he'd known. The first thing he'd noticed, with irritation, was the noise. His own home had been quiet, peaceful, a place of thought and study. No one at home had rushed about laughing and chattering, cars and music blaring disjointedly above the rest, creating a buzzing feeling that hurt his ears. Things had only gotten worse from there.  
  
Li had never been to school. He'd always pictured a still place where children sat with books and read, while teachers walked around to make sure they were learned what they should be. His picture had been shattered as soon as he'd reached the school yard. Large amounts of kids were standing around, talking and giggling with each other, some played games, and others sat in the shade under the trees. Li almost walked away, uncertain. He'd never been around kids his own age much, especially not so many. He didn't want to admit it, but he was frightened. The bell finally rung and the children rushed inside the building, shouting lunch plans and see-you-later's to others. When the yard was cleared and everyone gone inside Li had at last stepped into the school yard. It was better now that it was empty, and he didn't care about being late.   
  
The halls had a hushed quality to them as he walked to the office that Li could appreciate. A nice lady with bright eyes had smiled at him and told him to go to Mr. Terada's class. Li got the directions and headed off, his feet moving slowly and unwillingly down the hall to his new teacher's class. He stepped into the class and stood stiffly, glaring back at the other children who were staring at him. His face didn't reveal the fact that he felt sick and wanted badly to run out of the room and never return. Instead he walked woodenly to his assigned seat and sat heavily, still trying to seem uncaring. Many of the children looked at him though, he thought he heard one girl giggle. He intently watched the back of the girl infront of him. He'd noticed her as soon as he'd walked in, there was something about her, but he wasn't sure he recognized the strange feeling.  
  
The morning had passed by slowly, as if the clock gave way to each second begrudgingly. He'd sat very still, very rigid trying desperately to pay attention to the teacher's words, though it was difficult. He didn't really care much about what the teacher was showing them, his mind was already full of far more important information he felt, so what did any of these other trivialities mean to him? Nothing really, but it was better than letting the feeling writhing in his stomach take over and send him running back to China. If he tried to go home he didn't think his mother would let him back in, not without completing his mission. There were many people in the world, his family's enemies, that must not be allowed to get a hold of the Clow Cards. Few of the old tribes still had the spark of magic in their lineage, but those that did could be dangerous. That was one reason Li had trained so hard, to understand and control his magic, to be able to protect himself from his enemies. He'd always found it odd to think he had enemies, people he'd never met who hated him, but his mother had drilled it into him, so he'd always remember.   
  
Lunch came and the search began. In an out of the way place he'd come across the girl who sat in front of him, Sakura, and of course, by some twist of fate, she held the Clow Cards. She seemed a nice enough girl, but she had the Cards, which he needed. They were supposed to be his responsibility, weren't they? The girl couldn't possibly know as much about them or what to do with them as he did, they were part of his heritage. His responsibility, that word kept cropping up in his mind, his mother had drilled that into him as well. Not aware of any of the social graces, Li had went for the simple method of physically forcing the girl, Sakura, to give him the cards. He was stronger than her, he knew how to fight, the outcome was inevitable, wasn't it? Of course Sakura had to have a big brother, who had to show up at that precise minute, just as Li had attacked her. Li leaped back and took up a fighting stance, unafraid even though the boy was much bigger than himself. This was something he knew, something he'd trained long and hard for. The next boy that hoped over to the fence did...something...to Li, it felt like the ground was unbalanced beneath him, and there was just....again, something....about this other boy. Something broke, shattered inside Li, and he flushed. The boy approached him and offered him a treat. Li ran. Like a frightened animal he broke and ran. Running all the way to China didn't seem like a bad idea, if only there wasn't a huge stretch of water in the way. Islands got added to the quickly growing list of things he didn't like.  
  
The Thunder card showed up that night, and Li was determined to catch it. He could take the other cards away from Sakura at any time, the escaped cards were more dangerous at this point. As soon as he sensed the card he'd put on his ceremonial outfit and gone out to capture the card. Sakura was already there, running, or jumping rather, trying to outdistance the card. The capture itself went fairly smoothly, no real damage or destruction, no one got hurt, but the girl was incompetent. He'd thought so at the time, at least. The only way she managed to capture the Thunder Card was by following Li's instructions, and this girl thought she should be the holder of the Cards? Kero wasn't any better, and less than impressive looking as a stuffed toy. Kero supported Sakura anyway, even though it was painfully obvious to Li how little the girl knew about being a card captor and real magic. He left, ignoring Sakura's friend as he went, intent on his own thoughts. The girl had made the capture, not him. It was his first try, but he'd been training his whole life for this, he shouldn't have failed. He almost laughed at himself, talking about 'his whole life' as though he were old, when he was only ten. He'd never felt his age though. He'd been forced to skip childhood and go straight onto the responsibilities of being an adult.   
  
****  
  
Responsibilities.....that word just keeps on coming.  
  
slice. slice.  
  
****  
  
Life continued much the same after that night. He continued to go out capturing when he felt a card, and Sakura was always there too. Despite the fact she was under qualified for the job, she kept trying, and usually succeeded. It angered Li most of the time that this girl could come along and open the Clow Book by mistake, a -mistake-, and then go about capturing them, doing a better job than he did. This was supposed to be his life, his duty, and the girl wouldn't let him fulfill his purpose so he could go home. That's not to say he never made any captures, just not enough, not as many as Sakura.  
  
Eventually he just gave up trying to do it by himself, for himself, he was helping Sakura. At first he wasn't sure why he was helping her, he didn't like her, did he? Li sternly told himself it was faster to help the girl, then after they'd finished he could take the cards back and give them to his mother. As time passed that excuse got further and further away from the truth and he realized one day that he did like the girl. She'd been nothing but nice to him, even though he'd treated her so badly, and despite the fact he acted like she was a nuisance, he didn't mind her company. That was the day he realized he might have a friend. A real friend. His first friend. The thought took Li so much by surprise he was startled to find he was crying. Li did not cry, that just wasn't like him. There he was though crying anyway, because he did have a friend after all. Things felt better after that day. He still pretended like Sakura was annoying and that he didn't want her around because that's the only way he knew how to be, but he was happy to finally have a friend, even if he wasn't sure how it had happened.   
  
Meilin followed him to Japan. Li wasn't terribly surprised. Meilin had wrangled the concession out of him once that he didn't really have anyone else, and so she had decided they would be married when they were old enough. Like most boys, Li hadn't even considered marriage, bachelorhood had it's appeal. Meilin was very insistent however, and followed him so she could keep an eye on him. For some reason she really didn't like Sakura, and she hung on to him even more than usual when Sakura was around. Meilin also began coming with them on captures, often extolling on Li's many virtues, which surprised him. He really didn't think he was worthy of most of what she said, after all, he wasn't making his own captures, or even pretending to anymore, his mother probably wouldn't be pleased with him. Maybe his mother had sent Meilin to keep him in line? Things kept on like that for a while, the rivalry between Meilin and Sakura waxing and waning. Sakura seemed to be the most upset when Meilin had to leave, though Li had thought the two girls must hate each other, they fought almost constantly.  
  
It was a good time though....almost all the cards were finally captured. Li kept reminding himself that everything was fine, pretty much every card was now safely confined and this mess would soon be over. Then what? That little though tugged constantly at his mind, demanding an answer. He would go home probably. What would his mother say if he returned without the cards? Would she let Sakura keep them? Li wasn't sure. Maybe Meilin had told his mother of what was going on, maybe she didn't mind. His mother hadn't tried calling him or anything. His mother rarely called him. Li often would look at his phone and will it to ring. It never did though, not when he wanted it to most. Sometimes he wanted to just talk with someone, and he was too embarrassed to talk to Sakura honestly, he never talked about how he felt, he tried to ignore his feeling most of the time, they got in the way. He'd tried to stop feeling since he was young, since his training had began, that way he would stop feeling the loneliness. After that other feelings were slowly blocked out too, and his studies consumed his time and his mind, he was too busy to bother with feeling. Since coming to Japan that control had been slowly escaping him, it was frightening but exhilarating, and he found that as time passed he missed his former control less. That's not to say his attitude or demeanor changed, he still wasn't sure of how he was supposed to act, what people were expecting from him, but at least he seemed more like he belonged, he wasn't staring at people from behind the gates of his home anymore. Several times he idly wondered what had ever happened to the kid he'd met through those stupid gates. Li resolved if the house even became his he would tear down those gates. The gates too were on the list of things he hated. For now though, 'responsibility' still held the top slot, even though that was becoming more distant with time. When he went back though, he knew that hateful word would still be waiting for him, standing ready behind those gates, there to greet him when he got home.   
  
For now though, there was still work to be done....it was almost over, but while it lasted Li could at least enjoy himself, try to forget what lay waiting for him at home.   
  
****  
  
One smeared hand raised tiredly to wipe away the stray drops of wetness clinging to his cheeks. Dimly he realized they were tears, but it didn't much matter, why should it?  
  
He knew what came next.  
  
slice. slice. slice. slice. slice.  
  
****  
  
Li's birthday had come and went. Sakura had baked him some sweets, and she and Madison had come to visit him. His mother and Meilin had called to wish him a happy birthday. It was nice. Quiet and simple, nothing special, which made Li happy. Sakura might've been the type to try throwing him a surprise party, but thankfully she'd know how much that would've been unappreciated. School continued, and Li was also startled to find he was enjoying his studies more than he'd used to at home. Perhaps it was because there wasn't so much pressure. If he couldn't remember the specifics of continental drift it wasn't going to matter past test day.   
  
The last card had also come and gone, Sakura had captured them all and had become their new master. Somehow he felt that that's how it was meant to be, they were never really his duty all along, his task had been to help Sakura as she was learning. Other responsibilities were waiting for him at home though. His distant fate, whatever it was, was still out there, waiting to be found.   
  
His mother had called then, asking him when he was coming back. She knew that Sakura was the card's master now, so Li should come home and return to his proper studies. He didn't want to leave yet, for the first time in his life he was like any other kid. Nothing earth-shattering hung on his every move, he could do what he felt like. Most of all what he felt like was spending time with Sakura.  
  
Eleven year old boys don't really think much about love. The idea had occurred to Li, but for now wasn't it enough to be friends with Sakura? When they were older everything else could be decided, for now he just wanted a friend. Now that the world was safe they'd both relaxed a little, everything was quiet and there was time to just hang out, have fun. Sakura showed Li around all her favourite places in the city, and he told her a lot about his home, and the places his mother had taken him to see in their area of China. Li didn't talk much about his former life though, he wanted to forget it while he could, this time wasn't going to last forever. Something else always managed to come up it seemed, whenever it was least welcome.  
  
'Something' reared it's ugly head soon enough of course. It had been a summer night, warm, with a gentle breeze coming in through the trees. Sakura had taken Li to see a movie. It was a girlie movie, lacking in plot and with too much pink, but it made her happy. Sakura had originally planned to go with Madison, but she was sick, and Li was the next best thing to drag to the show. After that Li bought Sakura a late meal and they were going to head home.  
Sakura had insisted she could walk home by herself, it wasn't all that far, and reluctantly Li had let her go. He turned down the road and walked towards his own home, lost in thought. The wind brushed softly through his hair and Li stopped suddenly. There was a feeling, deep in the pit of his stomach, a feeling he didn't recognize, but it sent shivers lacing through his body. He turned and ran back down the road, onto the dark street Sakura had been walking along.  
  
Bare steel flashed silver in the dim moonlight. He heard a muffled cry and ran towards it. Sakura's broken and bleeding body lay strewn carelessly across the cold pavement, the crimson red of her blood trickling out too quickly, staining the rough asphalt. Rage filled Li and he leapt at the closest attacker, not caring that he was outnumbered and had no weapon. The first man went down with a sick thud, his head cracked open against the sidewalk. The remaining two approached Li from either side, but with a lightning fast kick the closer man lost his sword and received a blow to the stomach. Li spun and grabbed the fallen sword, parrying a thrust from the last man, driving him backwards with powerful swings meant to kill. The man tried for one more blow, intent on decapitating the boy fighting him, but Li's sword drove home first, the slick metal sliding out the man's back. The attacker quivered once and fell limply off the blade. Wiping off sweat, Li ran to Sakura, trying to wake her, but her blood was spilling out on to him and the ground. She was already dead, her eyes stared up blankly at him, dead doll's eyes, accusing him.  
  
"We have won, descendant of Clow Reed." A soft voice purred maliciously. A woman stood clad in black at the mouth of the road, standing arrogantly under a street lamp. She held under her arm the Clow Book. "We have the book and we have killed the new Master. You have failed your family." The woman laughed then ran off into the night. Still holding Sakura, he watched her leave, unmoving, just holding the lifeless body of his best friend close to his chest.  
  
****  
  
It was happening too fast now, the memories weren't stopping. They flooded his consciousness, blocking everything else out.  
  
slice. slice. slice. slice. slice. slic-- slic-- sli-- sli--.....   
  
****  
  
Madison had visited him many times, bringing him food, words of comfort. She hurt very deeply inside, she too had lost the person she loved most, but because of her nature she was trying instead to be there for Li. Nothing Madison did helped him any, nothing could absolve his guilt, nothing could remove the hurt. He tried to block the feelings, to take back control, but it was useless, it overpowered him, forcing him to feel all the anger and sadness and hatred that he wanted badly to forget, to deny.  
  
He stayed in Japan. He couldn't bear to return to his family as a failure, after what had happened. Sakura had been killed because of those goddamned cards. Something that was supposed to be his responsibility, it was supposed to be him laying there on the street dead, but she had received his fate instead. It was unfair, how could this have been allowed to happen to someone like Sakura? Sakura was here to -do- something, she had a purpose greater than his own, Li had been certain, but she was dead. Just gone. He was alone again. He hardly noticed Madison or even Meilin when she came to visit him. He refused to go back to China with her, even though she'd begged him, cried at him.   
  
Madison instead pleaded for him to get help, to see someone. She was afraid that he was depressed, that he was sick. Li was sick, he knew it, but just refused to care. It didn't matter anymore. Sakura was dead, and it was unfair. It was supposed to be him, it was his purpose, his fate to die because of his responsibilities. Wasn't that only appropriate, he'd hated them for so long, they were going to choke him eventually anyway, but it was Sakura who had die because of the cards. Why wasn't he dead? Wasn't it supposed to be him? His fate, not hers.  
  
****  
  
Nothing mattered anymore. Not his responsibilities, not being alone, not that stupid gate that imprisoned him for his childhood....Nothing. There was a new item at the top of that particular List: Li.  
  
He dimly noticed that the sun was now setting. How appropriate. The sun was stained a brilliant red and the light spread thickly across the horizon, drowning the last rays of blue.  
  
Sakura was dead. It was unfair. Peace had to be out there somewhere however, the calm peace and serenity of accepting your fate, of taking what was rightfully his. He couldn't undo what had happened in the past, but he could set one thing right.   
  
Maybe he wouldn't have to be alone anymore again after this. She might be waiting.  
  
slice. slice. slice. Slice. Slice. SLICE. SLICE!  
  
****  
  
Madison climbed slowly up the path to Li's house. The large building stood darkly against the fading light, the windows peering at her like empty eye sockets. No lamps were on. She noticed curiously that the small gate at the mouth of his front walk had been ripped off it's hinges. She frowned and hurried her steps, fitting her key into the lock.  
  
Madison stopped in the doorway, trying to adjust to the blackness inside. It was obvious though, the room was mess, trashed. Through most of the living room barely a foot of carpet could be seen beneath the clutter of broken furniture. The whole room bespoke of a rage and violence that contradicted Li's nature, usually he kept his house immaculate. Madison felt cold, and dropped her bag on the side of an overturned cabinet.  
  
One circle of floor stood out from the rest, like a grim center piece to sum up the chaos. Li sat limply against the back of a toppled chair, his arms laying beside his body, a straight razor fallen just out of reach. A silver framed picture of Sakura lay face up in his lap, the smiling eyes staring at him in frozen mirth. Thick red blood stained the soft blue carpet deep red. Angry crimson lines criss-crossed his bare arms, some old and scarred or scabbed, some fresh. The slashes across his wrists said it all though.  
  
Madison ran to him, feeling desperately for a pulse, waiting for a small stir of breath, but there wasn't any point. She knew he was dead. He'd tried to follow after Sakura. Madison propped him up gently, then carefully brushed the hair from his eyes, even though the gesture had no practical purpose. She wanted him to look nice at least, to retain a hint of dignity.   
  
"I hope you find her." She whispered softly, then left to call the police.  
  
~The End~  
  
  
Fianl Note: Well, there you have it. Perhaps this did have a weird hint of romance in the final moments. That's not really how I intended it. Li follows Sakura because of guilt and loneliness, an unwillingness to accept what happened, the unfairness of it all. (Deep, huh? ^_~)  
Remeber reviews are welcome and greatly appreciated!! (Oh and if you hated my story, oh well. I had fun writing it!) 


End file.
